Before presenting the awards, here are a few Cheesie FACTS:
1. Cheesie awards are given out on the basis of voodoo consultantions, crystal ball results, votes from Tantrik Babas and of course none of this would happen if not for our eccentric editor's permission.
2. Known as The Cheesies to you, it was originally going to be called The Boot Awards. But Smart Cookie (read: Over-Smart) thought it’s not a smart idea and the pretentiously coy Party Girl RESONATED with her, like she always does…like she always does. (Know what I mean now?)
3. I, Bollywood Basanti, suggested The Moo Awards but Miss Style Spy thought throwing a cow at someone is not really nice and besides it’s a dung-ee name added Gossip Girl. (What’s dung-ee? Why does she make up her own words?)
And last but not the least
4. The categories of these awards are non-fictitious and any resemblance to name, place, animal or a thing is purely intentional. (We at iDiva keep it REAL under ALIAS names of course! Tee Hee)
And the Big Hunka' Cheese goes to...
1. Wettest couple of the year:
Ideally, it should be Priyanka Chopra and Harman Baweja because their chemistry was arid dry. No love sweat breaking between them under the blanket (read: WET-blanket) lead to no love lost between them, we guess. But we’re talking literal meaning here and the award goes to Katrina Kaif and Akshay Kumar for gyrating on the wettest song of the year in De Dana Dan. Katz’s clinging saree and Aki’s seducing moves made us go "wheee"!
2. Flop show of the year: It’s none other than platitude-spouting Harman Baweja! He is so trite just like his movies and even more hackneyed is his dialogue delivery. We thought Indians CANNOT tolerate two things a] Cricket mein haar and b] Desh pe waar. With Victory he LOST all his audience but with What's Your Rashee he simply KILLED them. Why are we still tolerating him?
3. Drama Queen of the year: ...or the Drag Queen if you want to call it so – Rohit Verma of Bigg Boss 3 fame. We were thinking that somewhere down the line someone overwhelmingly failed him in some way. Whether its his friends or the fashion institute or the public school system or Posh Spice (noticed his hair-style and the way he walks, its like the fugly version of her) we don’t know but whatever it is, it's made him a huge Melodramatic Male… oops female!
4. Publicity stunt of the year:
- Rakhi Sawant’s decision to get married on national TV.
B. Shweta Tiwari in a bikini taking a bath under a waterfall on national TV.
C. Shah Rukh Khan saying, "You KHAN’T deport me" on international TV.
This is not Filmfare Awards and yet the award goes to Shah Rukh Khan. Mr. Khan if George Bush can be deported, if Abdul Kalam can be deported then so kh-an you! What say?
5. Bloodiest movie of the year: Kurbaan? Gulaal? Baabarr...NO, it’s What's Your Rashee? Didn’t we tell you earlier that this movie killed people? If you think there was no blood involved, you’re right. There was no blood involved because they died of brain hemorrhage which was caused by the extensive hamming by the actor, the director, the scriptwriter and the editor. There was also a rumour that it killed Michael Jackson. Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense but then so doesn’t the movie.
6. Over-exposure of the year: ...And the nominees are Rakhi Sawant, Sherlyn Chopra and Negar Khan but the award goes to Vindu Dara Singh! His blabbering, bantering and bitching must have made him a household name and probably that’s why he won Rs 1 crore but by god watching him day in and day out on TV was excruciating. He was so over-exposed on Bigg Boss that the rest of the housemates were over-shadowed. He got the maximum coverage with minimum effort.
The former nominees had to shed their clothes but all this guy had to say was "Desh Ka Adesh" and the camera would turn to him. Ladies now you know exposing is not just related to clothes.
7. Biggest wannabe of the year: Sushmita Sen came close for being a wannabe Angelina Jolie but lost to Uday Chopra. As rightly pointed by Gossip Girl, he’s copy-catting (see again she’s making her own words) Aamir Khan, Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan. He tones his body like Salman Khan. He styles like Shah Rukh Khan (his geeky look in Pyaar Impossible is inspired by Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi) and like Aamir Khan he does one movie a year.
Actually he’s a step ahead of Aamir in this area he does one movie in four years because he’s such a wannabe that no one would cast him that’s why he has to now write his own scripts to star in his own movie which big brother Aditya Chopra to produce. How convenient, we say!
8. Statue of the year: Nope its not narcissist Mayawati who poses in front of her own pictures and unveils her own statues. But it’s a good topic probably Miss Style Spy can spy check her wardrobe, it would be fun.
Anyhoo… the statue of the year is Abhishek Bachchan and the person who tells him STATUE all the time is his wife Aishwarya Rai (who learnt this Statue game from Salman Khan, remember Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam?) If she says, "Statue, sit", he does. If she says, "don’t sit", he doesn't. Well that’s not true probably, but what’s with going on a idli diet and tagging along with her at international awards just because she says, "Statue and do what I say".
Yes the official word would be henpecked but there is nothing official about our cheesie awards. MIND IT.
9. Mis-cast brand ambassador:
- Delicate darling Katrina Kaif brand endorsing IPL cricket team Royal Challengers.
B. Abhishek Bachchan endorsing beauty soap.
C. Talented Rani Mukerji endorsing mosquito repellent brand.
D. None of the above.
The answer is D. Because if Shilpa Shetty can own a team why can’t Katrina endorse one? And if Shah Rukh Khan can endorse soap and John Abraham can endorse men fairness cream, why can’t Abhishek? So who is the winner, you ask? It’s DUSKY beauty Kajol endorsing anti-ageing FAIRNESS cream. If you’ve seen the ad you would know how unnatural she looks. Somebody please tell her ho-lay ho-lay that it looks UGH!
10. Popat of the year 2009: We're talking about being a scapegoat, an idiot. And the idiot of the year is not Aamir Khan or Abhishek Bachchan or Harman Baweja or Rakhi Sawant or anyone from Bollywood for that matter. The biggest idiot or idiots we should say is YOU. As in you, aam junta, the common people. You fall for their antiques, pay a bomb for their stupid movies and waste your time reading their stupid interviews.
They make a total POPAT out of you and you gladly let them. Next year please ask this question to yourself are they worth your time and money? In the mean time…the cheese and the mouse and the mouse trap goes to YOU!
Ok now I have to run because I've posted the last batch of cheesies without running by the eccentric editor.
See you again next year with STALE set of cheesies (didn’t you know some types of cheese are like wine, gets better with age?) but that doesn’t mean you log out. NEVER LOG OUT!
idiva
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